humbug.

“I am sorry for him; I couldn't be
angry with him if I tried. Who suffers by his ill whims? Himself always.
Here he takes it into his head to dislike us, and he won't come and dine
with us. What's the consequence? He don't lose much of a dinner."
"Indeed, I think he loses a very good dinner," interrupted Scrooge's
niece. Everybody else said the same, and they must be allowed to have
been competent judges, because they had just had dinner; and, with the
dessert upon the table, were clustered round the fire, by lamp-light.”
A Christmas Carol

Oh. I am trying.
I am trying to have Christmas in my heart.
I am trying to teach it to my children.
I am trying to live in the moment and enjoy the season because it will be gone too soon.
But I can't help but feel that the vacuum, or maybe the soreness, or the sourness, that I have in my heart this season is some indication that I am falling short.
Z says we still need to decorate our house with ribbons and bows because our walls are "dull" or maybe she said "plain." I can't remember. But I don't even know how to begin to decorate the walls with bows when my chairs are covered with dirty clothes.
I was so excited to go see the lights, thought maybe it would jumpstart the magic, and I've never been so disappointed with Salt Lake City, the crowds, pressing and pushing, stop and go traffic, tail gating. I was cold and didn't have $1 for hot chocolate. I was hungry and the line at chik-fil-a went around the entire food court.
At the Messiah sing in, the lady behind me was so loud and obnoxious I could hardly hear the choir, and it bugged me, then I was bugged that I was bugged, because I love that music so much, and I just wanted to feel the magic.
Don't even ask about Thanksgiving.
And shouldn't shopping be a heart-warming expression of love and care, an act of selflessness and charity, instead of a brain-wracking exercise in trying to avoid disappointing whomever receives the gift?
It's all so trivial, isn't it? When there are haunting, terrible, devastating things others are facing this season. And it makes my heart that much heavier.

If ever there is a need for the Christmas spirit, it is now.
So. If there was hope for Scrooge, then there is hope for me.
Go on spirits, rattle your chains.